Never forgive, never forget

I can always see that place in my dreams. 

I can always see that person. 

I can always hear her voice.

Dreaming of being in a slaughter house 

watching people being tortured 

to death can be fun, but 

when I realised exactly where I was, 

I was the one being slaughtered by memories; 

in my deepest being 

it all leads to her. It all leads to him. 

It all leads to a deep ever bleeding 

wound that never heals, 

the wound what is slowly killing me 

and has always been. 

I will never forgive, I will never forget. 

I will never be touched. 

I cannot be touched. 

I cannot be forced. Not again. 

Please,

not ever again. 

Because in my deepest self, 

in my daily dreams, she follows me 

everywhere; she touches me everywhere; 

I can no longer sleep. 

Like a ghost, she visits me 

every night, reminding me of what she's done.

And she does it again. And again. 

When I wake up crying, all I can think of 

is "please, don't rape me again".

Even the water I just drank went half way down painfully and it seems to be stuck there, longing to get out of my being, making me feel nauseous. I am boiling inside myself and all I want is to vomit the water and the life out of me.

Encontrado num caderno antigo

Eu gosto de manhãs de domingo.
Gosto do ar gelado e fresco.
Do café quentinho.
Da sensação morna que fica em mim.
Sensação de que não preciso de vida, não preciso de morte.
Não preciso de sangue, nem de cortes.

A small poem about scarred souls

I could see in his eyes the suffering,

I could notice it in his silence. 

It's curious. 

We both know about our conditions 

yet we barely know each other. 

And there's always this silent agreement 

hovering in the air. 

Journal fragments #1

I feel like today is one of those days that every single thing I do feels either wrong or useless. Everything, even the tiniest ones are upsetting me; I feel agony growing stronger & stronger & placing its hands around my throat, pressing it hard, making it hard to breath.. I am scared...